Week 18

I shudder to think about how many times I have said the words “I have to” in the past decade. A few years ago, after reading The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey’s classic, I was inspired to make an intention to stop using that phrase— and even to catch my students when they used that phrase, pause the interaction, and gently guide them from using a different word. The idea is that phrases like “I have to” subtly send the message to ourselves that we are not autonomous in making decisions for ourselves or exercising our free will.

I was pretty good for awhile… but old habits die hard, and that phrase has crept back into my mind the past several days (which happens to be my fail of the week). There are just so many things this time of year to do as a teacher… and so many field trips, parties, and special events to plan, host, attend. It is too much. And I always feel trapped on the treadmill, unable to pause for a second unless I want to get thrown off and against a wall. It is so hard for me to say no, or even acknowledge that I want to say no, or feel that saying no— to any of it— is even a choice. Given the matter of opportunity cost, with any commitment I make I am sacrificing all the other things that I could be doing with that time/ energy. Everything is a trade-off, because when I say yes (or fail to say no) to doing (X), I am automatically giving a default no to everything else I could be doing at that time.

And with every “I have to” comes its equally vial twin: “I can’t.”

I want to join the pitching workshop on Thursday night.

I can’t.

I want to spend a quiet weekend reading my new book.

I can’t.

I want to write my pilot script for my new writer’s group.

I can’t.

I want to be proactive about my budget and spend some time proactively looking at upcoming expenses.

I can’t.

I want to spend more time out in the garden, slowly weeding in silence and letting my mind wander.

I can’t.

I want to take a day off.

I can’t.

I want to make plans with friends I have neglected interacting with the past few months.

I can’t.

I can’t do any of it, because I am adding to my to do list faster than I am crossing things off.

There are some instances where “I can’t” can be truthful and empowering, but none of the recent “I can’ts” I have doled out to others or myself this past week have felt empowering. I have felt trapped, and with each one I say to someone or think to myself I feel myself turning ripe with resentment.

I do not want to be a person who lives by have to’s and can’ts. This does not taste like freedom, and it does not feel like me. I kind of want to cancel all of it, and start from scratch. How wonderful would it feel to suddenly have it all disappear? (I guess we had that with Covid… and if I am being completely truthful, all the cancelling of plans felt like heaven to me for many months. I would never wish Covid on the world, but it is also very telling that many of us later admitted to lockdown being among the happiest times of our lives. My current theory is because we were all more mentally trapped by our “have to’s” for others than we were by the need to stay alone by ourselves).

The problem is that I don’t know how to get off the treadmill. I do not want a bad accident, illness, or something else traumatic (like a worldwide pandemic) to be the thing that allows me to pause forces me to pause. I want my own desire, my own instinct, and my own force of will to drive my own decision to pause. I want to be able to trust myself to know when to get off the treadmill. I guess I will start by pausing when I find myself saying or thinking “I have to…”

…If only because I can’t live like this anymore.