Week 11
barrier to focus: the feeling of futility
It feels like I am perpetually swinging back and forth between a sense of overwhelm at all I want to accomplish, and a feeling of futility, questioning the point of anything. In the current state of the world and what seems like a collective sense of “it’s all bad and only getting worse,” it feels so pointless to be spending time and energy on writing. It can feel so pointless to spend time and energy on much of anything. It feels like we are all treading water and just trying to survive, some far more than others and many definitely far, far more than I am, but it is really hard to muster the energy to create in what feels like survival mode.
Are we all playing the game of life in survival mode now?
Yet writing and making things are two of only a few things that give me energy. Maybe it’s not “why spend energy on creating when everything is so awful?” but “I must create to get the energy to withstand all the awfulness and try to help ease others’ withstanding.”
In such times of uncertainty especially, there is freedom in structure. No matter how hard things have felt, it is a comfort to know that I am going to get up early and make my tea and write my morning pages. It has been the singular thing giving me energy to get through my work days, to go to a bunch of doctor appointments, and be able to generally function on a basic level, even when those things feel barely possible. Writing this now, I am facing what feels like will be a very long day ahead of me, but I have more energy and strength than when I started an hour ago. If I end up waiting to write until I feel good, I am going to be waiting for a very long time. But I can write regardless of how I feel (at least to an extent), in the hopes that it will lead me to feeling good, or at least better.
failure to focus on one project
Sometimes snippets of prose, dialogue, or general ideas/ feelings/ settings/ characters just come to me, and I have to write them down and play with them a little to see where they take me. I have not focused on my screenplay I am “supposed to” finish, but I have been writing.
I would love to be a marathon runner like Stephen King or Haruki Murakami, writing one piece at a time, and tuning out all the other ideas and inklings and voices until I am done with that project. But my life isn’t set up like that. As long as I am a teacher and my life is filled with many responsibilities, my life as a writer will consist of a series of small sprints. If I wait to complete one project before starting or playing with any others, I will be waiting a long time before I get to explore other ideas, stories, and mediums. I want to focus, but this failure is also leading me to learn that I also want to be free to play.
I 100% believe that focusing on one project at a time and developing consistency is the path toward eventual success. But I also think that I need some time to escape to whatever I feel like writing, or making, or learning, to keep alive my love of creating. Maybe my mornings are structured with morning pages (which is just free writing) and then my twenty minutes of focusing on the same project, and then the other times of day can be free and open for whatever comes my way (like the open office hours of a college instructor). Maybe I just need to strive for balance, rather than solely achieving singular focus on a project. I still want to track consecutive days of 20-minute sprints on the one screenplay, however. Let’s start again at day one.
failure to effectively network
I went to a presentation about the role of the camera operator and visual storytelling in film, and it was one of the most inspiring and engaging talks I’ve been to in a long time. These free classes are designed to teach people about the film industry as well as provide networking opportunities to working and aspiring filmmakers, and I told myself I would talk to at least three people. I did, and I met a couple interesting people, but once we got past names and “what do you do?” our interactions awkwardly fizzled out while we enviously looked at a few clusters of people who seemed to already know each other from projects or film school.
The great thing about this, was that I realized I wasn’t alone in feeling awkward. I immediately saw a problem that needed a solution. We know that “networking” and making connections is the foundation of the filmmaking industry… Yet typical event structures often lead to: a) those already in the industry sticking together like glue, b) those of the same film school sticking together like glue, c) those studying the same film role sticking together like glue, d) emerging filmmakers who haven’t gone to film school feeling alienated, e) possibly creatively brilliant introverts leaving early without meeting new people, or f) all of the above. It gave me an idea about an event I could volunteer to coordinate, to hopefully break down some of these barriers. I am working on a proposal to send to the president of the film organization… Stay tuned!
failure to control my emotions
I am trying so hard to cope with the devastation of recurrent pregnancy losses and unexplained fertility issues. I do better some days than other days, or rather, I do better in some moments than other moments. I want so badly to be in a place of acceptance and hope. I do see glimpses of that place, and it’s so much lighter and better than where I am. But mostly, I feel lost, grasping in the darkness, encompassed by grief and fear and rage. I feel out of control over the waves that come over me, and I can barely hold on to avoid lashing out at the ones I love and need support from the most. Though I am probably so much better than I could be, I am so far from where I want to be. It is a constant battle to remind myself to focus only on what I can control. My mantra for the week ahead came to me while writing my morning pages: accept what is, create what can be. It really is going to just be about one day at a time.
Thank you all, and happy failing.
Rachel