week 1

the big fail

The biggest fail this week was getting a rejection to the Chicago Filmmaker’s Workforce Training Program. I had spent hours on my application, hoping to gain acceptance and free training to learn how to be a production assistant on film and television shows. It was really hard to face this rejection, because it felt like finally there was a path and a way to put my foot in the door to working in the film industry… Especially without moving to Hollywood.

My dream since I was four years old was to become a writer. My dream since I was twelve years old was to become a screenwriter. And make all the A.I. jokes you want, it is still my dream and I’m still doing it. I just realized that in order to even be able to hope for eventual success, I need to not just write every day and accept that failure and rejection will be part of the process, I need to SEEK failure and rejection at a much higher frequency in order to put myself on any kind of potential path for opportunity. It is not enough to work on a script, submit it to a couple places, get rejected, and sit for awhile. Then after a few weeks or months, repeat the process. What I have been doing is clearly not enough.

But.

I am enough.

And I am not going to let my fears of looking stupid, being embarrassed, high volumes of rejections, being mortified, having my family/ friends/ family friends thinking I’ve lost my mind, being humiliated, etc. etc. etc. stop me. Because none of those are good enough reasons to not put myself in the arena again and again and again at rapid frequency and high counts in order to learn from my failures, connect with others, and keep growing as a writer and a person.

So it’s okay that I got rejected. It sucks. But I will learn from it and reach out and volunteer and take classes and read books and most of all, put myself out there on the line immediately and many, many more times right away. The goal is not the typical, narrow version of success. The goal is to become so accustomed to failure that it no longer is terrifying/ embarrassing and I no longer feel like I have to reach some vague, out-in-the-distance level of expertise and “acceptance” before I can write, make stuff, and put my work and myself out into the world.

I’m out as a writer and screenwriter now. I look forward to documenting my many, many more failures and rejections. And if one day I experience any amount of external validation (what’s that like?!), I will have the proof that I was not only strong enough to face failure, but brave enough to seek it.

To more fails next week!