year end - 2024

This was a hard year. It was full of loss, disappointments, and failures when I really wanted to win. For a bit, after the election, I was on overdrive, knowing that I was in the denial stage while still trying to bypass the stages of grief (which we know are cyclical and more complex than originally given). And then I went on overdrive with diving into my first IVF cycle, and dedicating to a hard process that ultimately ended up in no viable embryos to even try transferring.

And then, I went numb. I couldn’t take thinking about the failure, thinking about the dread of what was possible or even likely to come under the first convicted felon. I couldn’t take thinking of another possible failed IVF cycle. I couldn’t take thinking about everything I had poured into trying for success on the micro and macro levels— how much so many of us had poured in— and coming up short. So I took care of myself. I mean, I took care of myself. I had to cocoon myself, to wrap myself up and take care of myself one meal and drink of water and full night’s sleep and conversation and doctor’s appointment and vitamin and TV show at a time. I turned off the news, and also unsubscribed from the worry channel in my head.

I am finally ready to begin again. I do believe in my project and mission of failing as quickly and as much as possible. But I also believe in rest, in wandering, in slowing down, and in meditative contemplation. I believe that sometimes taking a break is the most productive thing we can do.

I have so, so many ideas for the future of this project, and so many things I would love to work on in 2025. But I am pacing myself. Because making small, even microscopic progress each day is better than a ton of progress for one day and then lots of time stalled. I am focusing on doing less, and going deeper on one thing at a time, and resting. Lots and lots and lots of resting.

Soon enough, I will share what’s in store for The Fail Report in 2025 and beyond.

Peace, love, and rest to you.

Rachel