week 33

I was doing so well last week. I was eating fruits and vegetables. I went to the local track club. I was running three or four days, not too hard but pushing myself. I was writing… Not as much as I would like, but I was writing. I was going for what I really wanted, and tracking it all on my little goal sheet. I tried to push out of my mind all the times when I went from 0 to 60 and got sick, or otherwise crashed and burned. This time would be different. I would push myself in small, manageable increments and start developing the lifestyle I wanted. Yes, it would be hard with back to school season, but I could push through and build the momentum.

And then I got Covid.

I outlasted Covid for so long. I always wore a mask to school, long after anyone else wore one except if they were actively coming to work sick. And the one day I didn’t, I got Covid.

The one week where I was really starting to push myself in areas I wanted to be pushed, I got Covid.

The first week back to school, I got Covid.

I wonder if it’s like Newton’s third law of motion: “for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.” I tried to push hard and move forward, and I got pushed hard and moved back. It would be nice if the law worked in reverse, as well, and after being pushed back I can spring ahead. I know being sick won’t last forever and I am grateful that I am finally starting to feel better, but I am frustrated. It feels like not only can I not get ahead, but that I can’t even tread water and stay in place.

Why is it like this? Why is it that whenever I start exercising again, even when I’m trying to be reasonable and start slowly, I get sick. Why does it feel like every time I start to take a step forward, I am instantly pushed ten steps back? Why does it feel like trying to improve my health or career or situation is such a futile effort? Why does it feel like I shouldn’t bother?

(I’m really asking).

I do know that I finally got what I secretly have wanted for awhile: a break. A week long break where I could do nothing but sleep, read and watch tv, and for at least a little while, was removed from the rat race. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to have so much quiet I could hear myself again, without the noise of “buts” and “shoulds” trailing on the heels of every thought. I wanted to just be.

Covid was not what I wanted, but it gave me one of the things that I needed. And I know by leaning into rest and doing nothing, I am regaining energy to bounce back and really re-immerse myself in what I want to do.

Here’s a quote I am contemplating this week: “You must not abandon ship because you cannot control the winds.” —St. Thomas More